


All Around Me, Falling

by shinewithalltheuntold



Category: Sanctuary (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Helen/Will friendship, allusions to past Helen/John, post-Haunted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 04:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8235920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinewithalltheuntold/pseuds/shinewithalltheuntold
Summary: Helen in the aftermath of the events of ‘Haunted’





	

**Author's Note:**

> Eternal love and thanks to rowan_d for the beta and the support.

It doesn’t stop. 

_That was two weeks after we thought you died._

It’s there in the background when you carefully dispose of the toxic creation the energy being was concocting. 

_For all eternity._

It whispers in the back of your mind as you send Henry and Will to the elevator shaft to assist the others. 

_I AM WHO I AM!_

It laughs mockingly at you as you double and then triple check the SHU and ensure the security of its inhabitants.

_I have no destination in mind._

It screams at you from Musa’s knowing gaze. The grief and pain you cannot even begin to fathom much less express reflected bright and clear in those wise brown eyes.

_I don’t need your help!_

Your ribs ache. Bruised, but not broken.

_Wandering this Godforsaken world, wanting only peace._

Which is more than you can say for the rest of you.

_Get away from me!_

You will heal. You know this. But you wonder how much longer it will be, how much more you can take, until you are nothing more than scar tissue. 

_Why did you bring me back?_

You think you would trade places with him. With any of them. Because you are so tired of being the sum of your broken places.

_I love you_

You are tired of watching those who love you fall, so you can keep standing.

_Eternity_

You are tired of always being the one left behind.

_I love you._

_I promise to make you happy, Helen._

_For all eternity._

_Helen._

"Magnus?"

He is earlier than you expect, standing in your doorway, poised on its threshold. Your protégé has grown so much this past year. No longer needing to work up the courage to confront you. No longer hesitant while searching for the right words. Now, they seem to slip effortlessly off his tongue. How has he come to know so much so quickly? He has exceeded all your hopes. 

It would be comforting if it weren’t so terrifying.

"Magnus." His voice is softer, but more certain. You didn’t send him away when he first appeared, and now you can’t. Now he won’t be moved. But you will never forgive yourself if you don’t try.

You remain seated, your gaze fixed firmly on the flickering light of the fireplace. You don’t look at him, can’t bear to turn your face up towards that empathetic gaze. You can only shake your head and hope he understands. No words. Not yours, not his. There is simply nothing to say. Any attempts will only tear further holes in your tattered soul. You need him not to speak. You need him to walk away. You need him to stay. You need him to work a miracle and somehow make this okay. Make it _bearable_ at the very least. But how…?

A hand on your shoulder. His touch is so like his voice. Soft without being hesitant. Strong without being intrusive. He doesn’t understand, can’t fathom the depth of pain this new loss has caused. But he knows you. He’s seen the cracks lengthen and widen with every loss you’ve suffered, starting with your father’s departure and ending with John’s. With Ashley in the center, the blazing sun around which all your other losses orbit.

He knows you. He understands you are breaking. And he is trying to hold you together the only way he can. A friend’s touch, empathy, and strength. A shoulder to cry on even though he knows you will not cry. You cannot cry. If you know anything at all, it is that once you start crying you will never, ever stop. 100 years worth of tears to drown you in an endless sea of sorrow and salt water, taking him and everyone else you still have left with you.

You cannot cry. You cannot let go, let yourself grieve. Not for John. Not when you are just now, just _barely_ starting to deal with Ashley’s death. It is simply too much. You can do nothing to make this better.

Nothing except reach up and take his hand in your own. Hold tightly to it as you rest your head lightly against his forearm. There is such strength there. Maybe, just maybe, there is enough strength to keep all the cracked pieces together for awhile. If you don’t lose him as well. Your grip tightens. His other hand comes up and hesitantly tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, his knuckles just grazing your cheek. 

You cannot lose him. You cannot lose any of them. But you don’t know how to keep them safe. You don’t know how to make them eternal any more than you know how to make yourself mortal. It is your curse. The price you pay for your arrogance, for tampering with the natural order of things. You will lose them as surely as you lost Ashley and James and Nigel and all the others. 

_"Magnus."_

He starts to pull his hand away, his newfound confidence faltering in the wake of your silence. You tighten your hold. Pull him closer until he is resting on the arm of the sofa, until his hand rests in the crook of your shoulder, warm against your neck. You feel him settling, preparing himself to stay by your side for as long as it takes. You loosen your grip enough for him to shift into a more comfortable position, but you do not let go. You _cannot_ let go.

You close your eyes. You lean your head back so you won’t rest it against his arm, in his lap. You pretend you don’t feel the fingers stroking feather light through your hair. You will take the strength he is offering, the comfort, and wrap yourself in it long enough for the newest layer of scar tissue to form. 

Then you will gather the strength to let him go. It is the only thing you can do. Letting them go has always been the only thing you can do. And if each one takes a piece with you as they go, well, perhaps one of them will finally take the piece that holds you together.

And then you will finally be free.

fin.


End file.
